As I’m back in the swing of things, I thought I’d write a quick summary of the state of the Premier League, in light of the games that we have seen take place over the last weekend. We’ve all now played 15 games (well, except for teams whose fan bases are formed of trainer-stealing criminals who decided to break up the dreariness of their summer with a spot of rioting) and so the table is starting to settle into the shape that it will maintain until May.
Firstly, a look at the relegation zone. My birthday wish, which sadly is going ungranted, was that Stoke ‘Football’ Club would be relegated. I put the word ‘football’ in inverted commas for obvious reasons. They are a football club in name alone. A better moniker might be ‘The Stoke Association for Woefully Untalented Cloggers Who Can Throw a Ball Quite a Long Way’, or SAWUCWCTBQLW. Apparently, this was considered but wouldn’t fit on the badge. Sadly, SAWUCWCTBQLW are well away from danger, so the bottom of the table is made up of Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Some snobbish types will tell you that they want Wigan to stay up because they ‘play good football’. No they don’t, they’re shit. They play football on the ground, which I suppose is admirable, but with a group of players who are seriously ill-equipped for the task. The only problem with them going down is that it means Wolves will probably stay up. I’m not sure why, but I hate Wolves. I also hate Blackburn and Bolton, the other two seemingly-doomed clubs. It may seem irrational, but consider this: both have been managed by Sam Allardyce. That man immediately makes me dislike any club. I have genuinely woken up at night sweating from a dream that he became manager of Arsenal and set about selling any players that could use both their left and right feet. Worrying.
Skipping over the rest of the dross that makes up about 70% of this league, it’s the top 6 where it gets interesting. I’m not just saying that because I’m an Arsenal fan. Look at the teams in between 7th (Newcastle) and 17th (Wolves). All achingly mediocre. Villa? Meh. Everton? Yawn. Newcastle, to be fair, have played some entertaining stuff this year, as have Swansea on the very few occasions I’ve seen them play. A few exceptions aside, this league really is average below 6th place. Maybe I’m just in a mood because I remembered my Sam Allardyce nightmare. Shudder.
So, the drama that will most occupy us, as Arsenal fans, this season, is the four teams fighting for the two spaces below the Manchester clubs. Some are predicting that Tottenham might be able to make a title challenge, or overtake United in second. 'Win their game in hand and they are two points behind United,' these misguided fools mumble. Don’t make me laugh. A Spurs title bid looks about as likely at the moment as an Andy Carroll hattrick. They will soon hit their first hurdle, be it injuries, suspensions, or a bad run of form brought about by Del Boy’s upcoming trip at the expense of Her Majesty. They’ll soon be looking about, trying not to be overtaken by the rest of us also-rans.
This weekend was a good one for Arsenal, in the sense that our three points made sure that Spurs’ dropped points at Stoke didn’t go unpunished. For anyone who didn’t see the match, can I suggest you see the highlights? Well worth a look. Spurs were absolutely robbed by a hilariously bad refereeing performance. I would have sent Chris Foy a letter of congratulations, except for the fact that the main beneficiaries of his incompetence were Stoke, and I refuse to celebrate Stoke victories. Man United’s simple win against Norwich means the only other team we gained on was Man City, and I don’t want to countenance us catching them up when we’re this far behind. I know I have just shot down Spurs’ chances of catching either of the Manchester clubs, but I don’t see it as impossible that we should overtake United. Unlikely, but stranger things have happened. I think we’re more likely to do it than Spurs.
Finally, a congratulations to United and City for their well-deserved qualification for the Europa League. When faced with a group like United’s, containing the likes of FC Basel, Benfica, and Otelul Galati, it was always going to be tough to get into the Europa League, but United just managed to shade Galati into third place, meaning they will have the chance to cement their place among Europe’s elite. Teams like PAOK Salonika, Red Bull Salzburg, FC Metalist Kharkiv, and the Mighty Stoke City Football Club stand in their way, so best of luck to them.
Reading through, I realise that wasn’t a coherent analysis or summary so much as it was a simple way of allowing me to express my disdain for Blackburn, Bolton, Wolves, Sam Allardyce, the Premier League in general, Chris Foy, Manchester United, Andy Carroll, Harry Redknapp, and lest we forget, the wonderful Stoke City.
Until tomorrow, when I’ll have a summary of our inevitable draw with AC Milan.
Joe
Follow me on Twitter @joeblogsarsenal
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